Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege

1. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. What do I need? A restraining order?

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

12. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

13. Don't squat with your spurs on.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

17. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

20. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

21. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

22. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.